Thursday, April 9, 2009

Honest Thoughts...Stressful Emotions

I have decided life will not slow down anytime soon, and I will just have to figure out someway to keep up with it, no matter how fast it's going by. I'm not sure what all that is going to require, or what will need to change along the way, but I'm really feeling the passage of time these days, and that I'm missing out on so much that I want to grab hold of...I miss the days when I got to stay home with my kids. When I knew what they were wearing each day (not that their clothes are really important, but I KNEW!). When I knew what they were reading, studying, thinking, laughing about. It seems that days go by, and I haven't even gotten to look at their faces. And then on the days I do get to be home, there are so many things that are so far behind, I don't get to just stop and enjoy them then, either.

I'm really struggling right now with all the sacrifices my family is making for me to become a midwife. I know (I think) that this is what I'm supposed to be doing ~ but was the time now? If not, then when?

I will most likely miss my daughters RN graduation and pinning ceremony because I have many clients due in May. She is 3 and a half hours away from me. I want to be there to encourage her and congratulate her! She has worked hard for that degree, and I'll miss it.

I feel the need to go see my oldest son and help him walk through some choices he's making ~ but I can't leave. There is always a baby due. I haven't had 2 days in a row off in several weeks.

I haven't gotten to cook a meal for my family in ages. If they were dependent upon me to feed them, they would all have starved long ago. Haley does an incredible job of taking care of them in the food department (and many others), but I miss that simple act of nurturing that was mine for so long!

The boys are growing up, literally, right before my eyes, and I'm missing so much of it. Is it worth it? Sometimes I really wonder.

I was looking through the pictures taken with my camera in 2009 last night, and I don't know when most of them were taken. I didn't get to be a part of what was happening. I've missed Robert's birthday ~ again this year. I have to work on Josiah's birthday ~ again this year. What else will I miss?

I love taking care of the women I have the privilege of serving during pregnancy and birth. It is such an important time in their lives and I am grateful for the opportunity to be a light in their path and help them become all God has designed them to be. But at what expense?

I see the many ways God has filled the gap that has been created...Robert has stepped up to the plate regarding homeschooling in ways I never imagined in my wildest dreams would ever really happen! It has been great to see ~ but I want us to be able to work together in the training of our children. It was never just my job, and it's not supposed to be just his job. I can't do that when I'm not here.

Haley feeds us all wonderful meals, 3 times a day! She has filled in for me in so many ways, and I couldn't even begin to do what I'm doing if it weren't for her presence and willingness to be a keeper at home in my place ~ but it's my home, and sometimes I want to be the keeper!

P.S. This was written on April 9, 2009, and I never posted it, in large part because life really never did slow's now November 5, and I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel! Just 6 more weeks and I will be done with my training! There are so many things I want to get down on 'paper' so I will remember all, most, a few of the things God has done in the last 7 months.

But for now, this is one of the places I have been...

1 comment:

For His Glory said...

I pray God will give you the peace you need right now. I'm so glad that you are finished with you training and you get to move back to SA. Maybe things will work more smoothly there. You have a wonderful family!!!